La Porchetta

La Porchetta
51-61 Hobson Street, Auckland City
ph: (09) 362 0626

La Porchetta is an Italian restaurant founded by Australian brothers in the 1980s. It's well known in Australia and New Zealand for their cheesy TV adverts with smiling, happy families laughing over pasta and pizza. I'd have to admit it was the adverts that actually drew me into craving Italian food, as I had decided that La Porchetta was the next place to stake out and see for myself whether it would put a smile on my face. It turns out that in fact it did quite the opposite.

The place was quite cozy, warm and inviting. We were welcomed warmly by the friendly staff at La Porchetta. The seats were quite cushy and comfortable. I was tucked in 'snug as a bug'. My friend and I started off with light refreshments; a few glasses of coca-cola and orange juice. The menu that we had to choose from had a huge variety of pizza and pasta dishes, even some steak and chicken dishes. However, the menu was a bit disorganized as we both had a hard time finding the entree and pasta dishes. It took almost 10 minutes just to decide our dishes due to the confused, disorganized menu. The waitresses were helpful and attentive. They regularly zipped to and fro to see if we were ready to order, or if we wanted more refreshments and they even helped us with the menu. After much looking around, I ordered the mushroom fettuccine and my friend ordered the mushroom risotto. Yeah, we both love mushroom. However, the dishes were far too overpriced! The mushroom fettuccine was $14.60, while the mushroom risotto was a ridiculous $17.10.

As we waited for our food to arrive, the waitresses continued to come around to ask if we wanted anything else. This is exceptional service, they definitely made us feel very welcome and they made us feel comfortable. They weren't just trying to make us feel that way; they were constantly going around doing their best to make the other diners feel comfortable too.
It only took 14 minutes to get both our dishes out. The food came out a bit too quickly, good risotto should take about 20-30 minutes to make. Our dishes came out looking fabulous and well garnished with finely chopped parsley. Both dishes looked absolutely well garnished and we just couldn't wait to get started, my only concern was that the mushroom fettuccine sauce looked too dilute and runny, and I could not find a hint of grated cheese or parmesan on the top. Also, for its price, there wasn’t a lot on the plate. If one is to set their dishes at a high price, one should have a hugely generous amount on the dish and/or prepare the dish to a high quality standard.

My expectations of the dish were high as it looked great, but one bite and I was sharply and immediately disillusioned. The first thing that I noticed was that my fettuccine was far too overcooked, immediately afterwards I realized that the entire dish was bland and flavourless. Everything in this dish went wrong! The pasta was ridiculously overcooked, there was no flavour, the dish was bland and unseasoned, it was overly greasy and so boring… it was essentially flavourless heart attack on a plate; I could have diabetes tomorrow for all I know!
I know that many New Zealanders like their pasta slightly overcooked, but the pasta cooked at La Porchetta was just far too overcooked; I could very much have just mashed up the pasta and make it resemble mashed potatoes. All pasta should be cooked to al dente (firm, but not hard). Making mushroom fettuccine is not hard! I had expected much better. A good Mushroom fettuccine sauce should be thick, rich, seasoned and bursting with flavour. And to give it that ‘wow’ factor, finely grated parmesan cheese should have been sprinkled over the top to give it a cheesy tang that hits your tongue right away. La Porchetta did exactly the opposite.

My friend gave me a sample of his mushroom risotto. I was expecting it to have tasted much better than my tasteless and boring mushroom fettuccine I put a large folk-full of risotto in my mouth only to be… disappointed. It was essentially the same texture and taste. The rice was far too overcooked, tasteless, flavourless, and way too greasy. My friend said that it was basically like eating butter. After several bites the dish would make you feel sick. For a risotto dish, the alcohol (white wine) flavour and the flavour of the cheese was absent. The white wine is essential to a risotto and also the parmesan cheese, but for this dish, none of those were present. The overcooked rice means that the chefs in the kitchen don’t know how to cook risotto properly. My guess is that when the chefs were adding the stock for the risotto, they put the stock in cold and/or they dumped all the stock in and simmered it down, whereas the proper way to cook risotto is to have heated the stock and then add it into the rice a ladleful at a time.
Honestly, the dishes were a right, real screw up.

I was basically crying while I was eating my fettuccine and crying even more while I was eating the rest of the risotto. Even though I didn’t want to eat it all, I forced it all down and crying while I was. Because the only thing I hate more than bad food is wasted food. When the cashier asked if we enjoyed our meal, I told her the truth. And for that she gave us a 25% discount. This is again great service by the staff at La Porchetta; if anything it was the heroic service of the waitresses and the cashier that stood out, not the food. If I could, I would have ‘sued the bastards’ for traumatizing me with their hideous tasting food. However, my law tutor told me that: “The claim won’t hold in court, this isn’t America.”
Some of my friends have dined there before and they have told me that they thought the food was okay. They got an earful from me telling them that they were wrong and that they had an “inferior palate”. This was soon followed by deathly glares of disbelief and the infamous ‘1000 yard stare’ as if I had come out from a warzone traumatized. And that is exactly the case; I was traumatized by their horrible food.

I applaud the excellent service at La Porchetta; it is the warm, friendly staff in the front lines doing their best to keep the customers happy that are keeping the restaurant afloat. Their slogan is: “Eat Live Love”, it should rather be: “Eat Puke & Die”.

Rating: 0.5/5